Trapped Within
by Airforce1990
Summary: John Tracy dealing with the aftermath of the attack. Will contain suicidal thoughts and actions. Disclaimer: I do not own Thunderbirds


**Early morning**

John Tracy steps through the corridor of Thunderbird 5, the first time since the mad man who calls himself the Hood had targeted Thunderbird 5 and her pilot with a missile but also invaded their home and stolen their 'birds', taking them to London in an attempt to rob the Bank of London. Now, four weeks later and John is fully healed from his ordeal with the attack, at least physically, goes back to his 'bird' to help with the repairs. Once inside the corridor that leads to the main area, John looks around at the damage the missile did to his precious thunderbird, he gasps and swallows down the bile that is rising in his throat as the all too familiar burning smell filled his nose. John walks down the steps and stops in the middle of the room before taking a deep breath, he feels his chest tightens and feels the bile coming up again; he walks over to the wall to grip onto something. His mind replaying the images of the attack over and over.His breathing starts getting heavier and decides to leave, he turns around and walks hurriedly back to thunderbird three.

Scott Tracy, works at the console of thunderbird five, he turns around and sees his brother John having trouble breathing, he walks towards John, but sees John turn and walk back to thunderbird three, he switches his watch on and sees his dad, Jeff Tracy, facing him, Jeff asks, "hey Scott, you guys just got up there, surely you're not done yet?" Scott replies, "Not yet, I'm gonna get the rest of the guys and head home early."

"Why?"

"I'm not sure John is ready to come back. I think I just saw him having a panic attack and he wasn't even here for five minutes."

"Okay Scott, gather everyone up and head back home, I'll have a talk with John once you all get here."

"FAB dad."

**Ten Minutes later in the cockpit of Thunderbird Three**

"Hey John, we are heading home so buckle up."

"Why are we heading home now?"

"The repairs can wait until later."

"Scott, why are we going home and please tell me the truth?"

"Okay… I'm just worried about you, that's all."

"Why are you worried?

"John, you nearly had a panic attack not 10 minutes ago, you can't tell me you're fine."

"Scott, I'm telling you, I am fine, I guess it was too soon to come up, especially when we still got repairs to do, that's all."

"Damn it John, you had a panic attack, you are not fine, and it's not because it's still damage. John, please tell me what's going on."

"Can we leave it alone Scott?"

"For now, but when we get home you have to talk to dad, he knows about the panic attack." For the first time since the attack on Thunderbird Five, Scott looks into Johns eyes, all he could see was dullness,

"WHY THE HELL DID YOU TALK TO HIM, SCOTT? YOU HAD NO RIGHT TO TELL TO HIM, ESPECIALLY BEFORE TALKING TO ME FIRST. HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME? NOW HE WON'T THINK I'M CAPABLE OF DOING MY JOB"

"Your wellbeing comes before International Rescue, and dad knows that you are capable of doing your job, John, that's why."

"WHAT ABOUT WHEN WE GO OUT ON A RESCUE, HE WON'T LET ME GO WITH YOU GUYS IF HE THINKS THAT I'M INCAPABLE OF KEEPING MY HEAD ON STRAIGHT."

"This is not about IR and you know it. I am worried about you. We all know you are able to do any of our jobs just as capable as you do yours, but if you are having trouble coping with what happened to you, you need to address it before it gets out of hand."

"Whatever."

**At the same time but in the back of Thunderbird Three **

"Gordon, what do you think they are talking about up there?"

"Don't know Alan, but I am wondering why we are leaving early."

"Gordon, Alan, I'm sure whatever it is, there is a good reason."

"Okay Virgil, now Alan, why don't you help me restock these supplies so we are not at the other end of Scott's wrath."

"Okay Gordo, where are you gonna go Virg?"

"See if we got everything from five, see you in a couple minutes, just make sure Scott doesn't leave me behind."

"FAB."

**Tracy Island, International Rescue Command and Control **

"Scott, what's your ETA?"

"Two and a half hours, we got everything on board along with a list of supplies that we will need when we come back up."

"FAB, see you soon."

"FAB dad."

**Three Hours later on Tracy Island in the Lounge**

John Tracy walks into the lounge after getting cleaned up and sees his dad in his chair behind his desk, "Scott said you wanted to talk to me."

"Yea John, why don't you sit down?" John sits down on the couch opposite his dad. "John, Scott told me about the panic attack aboard thunderbird five, along with the discussion aboard thunderbird three."

"Like I already told Scott, I am fine, it's just too soon for me to go up there especially with the damage that five sustain, now that I know the damage, the next time we go up there for the repairs I will be ready." Jeff looks at John, locking eyes with him, all he could see is the dullness within them.

"John, you are not fine. This isn't the first panic attack you've had since Spring Break, and it's just not the panic attacks that we've noticed, you haven't been sleeping and don't tell me that you have because I can tell that you're not sleeping, you're not eating much, you don't talk to anyone, you don't hang out with any of your brothers anymore, and when they do try talking to you, you snap at them. John, usually you're the one that doesn't get angry easily but the calm one who thinks things through, but lately you've been getting into more confrontations with your brothers' the pass month than you have your entire life."

"Dad, I am fine. Scott is just worried and he shouldn't be. I. Am. Fine."

"John, please don't do this to yourself. Do not shut us out. We want to help you get through this; you just have to talk to us." John stands up from the couch and walks towards his dad and angrily yells.

"I AM FINE DAD. SCOTT JUST HAS HIS HEAD UP HIS ASS AND THINKS HE KNOWS EVERYTHING. FYI, HE DOESN'T. I. AM. FINE. JUST LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE AND LET ME GET ON WITH MY LIFE." His dad gets up and walks around the desk and faces John and looks into his eyes, "John, listen to me, you are not fine. It's just not Scott voicing his concerns; it's also Virgil, Gordon, Alan, along with Brains and Kyrano. If all of us can see that you are not fine, then there is something that is not fine. Just let us help you."

"YOU DO NOT KNOW WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT. ANY OF YOU. I DO NOT NEED YOUR HELP, ANY OF YOUR HELP. I AM FINE OKAY." John turns and starts walking towards the door, "John, you are not okay, listen to yourself. The way you've been talking to everyone. You are suffering John, and it's okay John, its normal after a traumatic experience to suffer from PTSD, just let us help you." John turns around to face his dad and says in a low menacing whisper, "I am not weak, I do not need help. I. Am. Fine." John hurriedly walks out the door and towards the patio, down the walkway to the beach before his dad could respond. Scott walks into the lounge and sits on the couch and asks, "Dad, what just happened?"

"Honestly. I have absolutely no idea. All I know is that John is not alright, and we have to do something to get that message through to him, and that it is not alright that he is not dealing with what happened. To be honest, I'm still troubled with what happened during Spring Break. I just don't know what to do to help him if he keeps pushing us away like the way he is."

"I know. And I also know that both Virgil and Gordon is having trouble with what happened but I also know they are getting though it ok because they have an outlet, with Virgil and his arts and Gordon with his swimming. I also know that Alan is still dealing with stuff but at least he is talking about it, not just to us but also he is talking with Fermat and Tintin. Also, Fermat and Tintin is also having trouble but they are also talking about what had happened and they are getting through this and we are talking about it. The only one who isn't talking about what happened is John, and whenever one of us try to bring it up to him, he simply walks away or there has been times when he blows up and storms off."

"Yea, so what are we going to do about it?" Right at that moment, the klaxon goes off, bringing the rest of the brothers, along with Fermat, Brains, and Tintin running into the lounge. Jeff activates command and control and looks at the computer screens and says, "There is an earthquake in California, more precisely San Francisco. Scott, you and Alan is in Thunderbird One, get to the danger zone and assess the situation. Virgil, you Gordon, Tintin, and John, go in Thunderbird Two, take the mole and the firefly. Tintin, I want you and Alan manning Mobile Control while the others go in and help. If need be, one of you go in and help." Scott looks towards his dad before stepping into his conduit along with the rest of the group.

"FAB." All six goes into their respective conduits.

"Thunderbirds are go."

**Danger zone, six hours in**

"Scott how much longer."

"John is getting the last group of survivors out of the building, once he gets that done, all we have to do is pack up and we will head home."

"Ok." Scott looks up and screams, "John, watch out." John looks up and sees part of the building wall starting to fall towards the group the survivors; he runs and pushes the people out of the way before the building crushes them. John lands on his back as the wall falls on him, John soon loses consciousness. Scott screams again, "Virgil get a stretcher from two, Gordon, Alan, get the digging equipment."

"FAB." Scott looks down to his watch and looks at his dad, who looks pale. "Scott, what's happening?"

"Dad, the building fell on John, he pushed the other survivors out of the way."

"Bring him home, Scott."

"Planning on it." Scott shuts of his wrist communicator and runs towards where he last saw John. Gordon, Alan and Virgil come running up to Scott, Virgil asks, "What's going on?"

"When John was getting the last group of survivors out, part of the building collapsed. John pushed the group of survivors out of the way and a part of the building wall fell on John."

"Gordon, Alan, set the equipment up and start digging from here, Scott, you and I will look for another way in. If we don't find another way we will come back here."

"Virgil, maybe Tintin can help."

"What are you thinking Alan?"

"Well, you know how Tintin been practicing how to use her power, well, she can move stuff. What if Tintin move the building off of John."

"That could work. Tintin, did you hear that?"

"Yes Virgil, I already packed mobile control and locked it in thunderbird one, I am on the way, I should be there in five minutes."

"FAB Tintin and Tintin."

"Yes Virgil."

"You don't have to do this."

"I know, but I want to, if it could save Johns' life, than I'm doing it."

"FAB, see you in five. Okay, Gordon, be on the lookout for anyone, make sure they don't see Tintin using her powers, I got the stretcher and the med kit ready. Scott, get the compression suit ready so we could get it set up for John."

"FAB."

"Also, Alan, when Tintin gets done, make sure she is ok."

"FAB Virgil."

**Ten minutes later**

"Ready Tintin."

"Ready."

"Ok, on the count on three."

"Ok."

"One, two, three, go Tintin." Tintin grasped at her necklace to hold the quartz stone from it, she closed her eyes and concentrate on the building in front of her and move the large brick wall off of John. Scott immediately sets the compression suit around John and inflates it, once the suit is inflated, Virgil transfer John from the floor to the stretcher and sets the anti-gravity on. They walk out of the building towards thunderbird 2 so they can get John to the med bay aboard the thunderbird.

**Three hours later, Tracy Island, outside of the Infirmary**

"Scott, how is he?"

"Virgil and Brains is working on him, but from Virgil preliminary observations, John has a concussion, a couple broken ribs, a broken right wrist and lots of bruises. He doesn't know if John punctured a lung or not but from his labored breathing, Virgil is hoping that is not the case."

"Where are your brothers?"

"Gordon is swimming and Alan is with Tintin and Fermat. Virgil and Brains kind of kicked them out of the infirmary."

"What about you? Did they kick you out too?"

"Ah, yea, I was, how do you say it, overbearing."

"You overbearing Scott would've never guessed."

"Yea whatever, and what about you?"

"I'm, ah, just waiting out here for an update."

"So they kicked you out too."

"Yea they did."

'Want to go to the kitchen for a cup of coffee; Virgil said that they won't know anything concrete for a couple of hours."

"I don't know, I want to be here when they have an update."

"They will come and get us, or contact us through the communicators, it's been a long day and I am hungry."

"Ok Scott, let's see what Onaha made."

"Yea dad, I'm sure she's been cooking like crazy since we've been gone."

"Reminds me of your grandma." They walk towards the kitchen.

**Infirmary, Two Hours Later **

"Virgil, how's John?"

"Resting dad, he needs the rest. Though, I won't be surprise if he wakes up shortly, he has been stirring for the last five minutes. Dad, you have to understand a few things before talking to John, he might have some memory loss, it could be temporary, or it might not. He could have trouble with thinking and learning processes, along with movement of his arms and legs."

"Why?"

"I was fairly accurate with the concussion, but when we took him in for the CT scan, it showed swelling in the brain, we gave him steroids to reduce the swelling, the swelling has come down in the last hour, but we still don't know the damage it did to Johns' brain until he wakes up."

"Ok Virg, you should get something to eat, if not, Onaha will come up here and drag you down to the kitchen herself."

"Yea dad, just call when he wakes up."

"Of course, now go get something to eat."

**Five minutes later, kitchen**

"Hey Virgil, what would you like?"

"A sandwich and a soda."

"Coming up."

"Thanks Onaha."

"You welcome sweetheart, how's John?"

"Getting better, where is everyone?"

"Scott is jogging along the beach, Virgil is at the piano, Gordon is swimming, and Alan is with Fermat and Tintin in the games room. Here is your sandwich. "

"Thanks Onaha. It is very delicious."

"You welcome and thank you. Now, you better be back at breakfast time."

**Same time in the infirmary**

"Oh John, I need you to get better, if Virgil is right, then it won't be the same. You are so unique, so different from your brothers. You are quiet and shy, you rather be alone then be around people and yet you are also comfortable around people, you're just an enigma aren't you John. You're also a great listener and gives really good advice. Just your presence is comforting. You need to wake up and be the same. We'll get through this, whatever you're going through, we will work it out together as a family. You just need to wake up and get better." Brains walks into the infirmary and says, "Hello, Mr. Tracy."

"Hello Brains, how is everything?"

"Johns' going to be ok, he is healing from his injuries."

"I mean about you, have you had something to eat?"

"Yes I did, my son practically drag me out of here to the kitchen."

"Good for him, he is the smart one you know."

"Yea he is, he also knows when I get overworked, just like how Alan knows too." Jeff turns around and faces his son Alan, "Don't even try it Alan," Alan shrugs, "Dad, you need to eat and sleep, it won't do John any good if you get sick. Now, why don't you go to the kitchen and get something to eat while I sit here and wait for Johnny here to wake up."

"I already went to the kitchen."

"And if I remember correctly, Scott told me that you only got a cup of coffee and left. Dad, you cannot survive on just coffee. Brains said that John is doing well, all he needs is rest. And yes, Brains told me about the potential effects that swelling can do on his brain, but dad, John is a Tracy and he is the most stubborn Tracy there is even if he doesn't show it like the rest of us, he will beat this. Now dad, go and get something to eat and go to bed."

"Fine, I'll go, just call if he wakes up when I'm gone, ok."

"Of course dad, oh and you will find Virgil scoffing down a sandwich so he could get back here."

"Hey I resent that."

"Oh hey Virg didn't realize you were here. Now you can make dad go and eat while we stay and keep watch over John, make sure he doesn't get into too much trouble."

"John and trouble that would be the day. You do realize you are talking about the golden boy, do you."

"Hey, I thought I was the golden child, I'm sweet and lovable, like a big teddy bear."

"Wait, did I just heard the 'I'm not a kid' anymore just call himself sweet and lovable, I should have recorded that."

"You can."

"Who just said that?" Virgil looks around the room and Alan and his dad. "In the bed you bozos." Virgil looks down at John and yells, "Brains, infirmary, John is awake and talking." Virgil looks down at the bed and says, "Hiya Johnny, how are you feeling?"

"Like I ran into a brick wall."

"Well, you are almost right. Do you remember what happened?"

"Rescue, earthquake, running, pushing, crushed."

"Yea, can you tell me specifics?"

"Got a rescue call from California, we were almost done when there was a tremble, I saw the wall on the building coming, I yelled at the people to move but they didn't listen so I ran and pushed a couple people out of the way, I landed on my back on the ground than I saw the wall fall down, tried protecting my head but a different piece came down on me and I fell unconscious."

"Good, do you remember anything before the rescue?'  
"Um, not sure, seems to be all out of whack."

"That's ok; it might take longer for memories of the longer nature to come back."

"Virg, tell me."

"YOU KNOW WHAT. TELL ME IF I'M GOING TO GET THOSE MEMORIES BACK."

"I'm not sure, you just didn't have a concussion, you had a severe concussion."

"What else?" Virgil looks over at his dad, "DAMN IT VIRGIL, WHAT ELSE?"

"There's swelling in your brain, I have you on steroids to bring down the swelling, but you could have problems with motor functions, obviously speech patterns and personality hasn't really been altered, but the yelling is not helping, so unless you want me to sedate you, you John Glenn Tracy will not yell in this infirmary for the next 72 hours, got it?"

"Aye, Aye Captain."

"And do not get cheeky. Now you need to rest and when dad leave, he is having something to eat, I will personally make it my mission to kick him out of this room for the next 12 hours."

"Okay Virgil, I get it, you want me to eat and sleep. Bye Alan, good luck John, see you later Brains." Jeff leave the infirmary, Virgil turns and looks at Alan, "Alan, why don't you wait outside and gather the rest so I can check on John for a minute."

"Ok Virg, see you soon John." Alan leaves the infirmary and stands outside, Virgil looks at John, "Don't play games with me John, what do you remember before the rescue?"

"I don't know what you mean?"

"John, if you are worried about what you said before the rescue, don't worry about it, it's understandable if you are still dealing with the aftermath of spring break, you just have to talk about it."

"Virgil, just leave it alone."

"So you do remember."

"Yes Virgil, I remember, just don't tell dad."

"Why not?"

"Because I just want to forget it."

"What happened at the rescue site?"

"I already told you that."

"Yes, I know that, but I really want to know about it, Scott said that you had plenty of time to get out of the way, but you didn't and I want to know why."

"It happened too fast, Scott should know that all too well by now."

"John, please talk to me."

"Virgil, there is nothing to talk about it, zilch, zippo, nada."

"Okay John, I will be right back in."

"Remember Virg, do not tell dad."

"Ok, now I have to check on a few things, ready."

**Outside the Infirmary, five minutes earlier**

"Alan, how's John, is he ok, does he have brain damage?"

"Whoa Scott, slow down. Okay. John is awake, he remembers the rescue but nothing before, at least that what John says, Virgil is checking John over for any residual effects, but he doesn't seem to have a vocal issue or speech impairment."

"What?"

"Didn't you hear the yelling?"

"No, we were outside by the beach talking to Fermat and Tintin. Why?"

"Well if you didn't hear, there's no point in explaining it."

"Whatever, by the way, where's dad, is he still in there?"

"No."

"What?"

"Dad should be getting something to eat and some sleep. Both John and Virgil kicked him out."

"Oh." The swooshing sound of the infirmary door hissed open and Virgil walks out, Scott asks, "How is he?"

"I think we might have a problem."

"Does he have brain damage?"

"No, it seems he got lucky although he does have to strengthen his muscles in his arms and legs, he has good motor functions, I'm gonna get him on physio regiment, he is able to recognize patterns, able to distinguish problems, and he still have his genius IQ. No, it's nothing physical."

"Then what is it?"

"He doesn't have memory loss."

"What does that mean?"

"Shit."

"Language Alan."

"Sorry Scott, Virgil, does that mean that he knows?"

"Yea he knows, and he doesn't want dad to know that he knows, all he wants is to forget it, and I'm not sure if he means the discussions or the incident or both."

"Oh shit."

"Language Scotty."

"Ok Alan, so Virgil, what are we going to do? If he wants to forget that it never happened than he is not dealing with it and that's been the problem the whole time, not wanting to deal with it."

"I know, but I also know that I need to tell dad, he need to know?"

"What do I need to know?"  
"It's about John."  
"He remembers doesn't he? He remembers the arguments; he remembers what happened during spring break."

"Yes he does."

"What are you going to do?"

"He need to talk to someone but we can't force him or he will cave in more than he already is."

"Do you guess remember Steve?"

"Yea." All three say.

"Well, I'm going give him a call and before you all say anything, yes he knows about International Rescue, yes he knows you boys are them, and yes he will help. He has already offered his services when I told him about John."

"But he will know that he is here for that."

"No, I will ask Steve to come on vacation, at least that is what John will know. Steve won't make John talk, it would seem like he is here to catch up with us. So, if you would excuse me I will make that call."

"Ahem."

"Yes Virgil."

"You are supposed to be sleeping."

"I just got done with a five course meal that Onaha had conjured up; I was on my way to my room when I overheard what you were talking about. I will go to sleep after I called Steve. Deal."

"Fine, but I will get Onaha to check on you in fifteen to make sure that you are in bed and I will give her explicit instructions to get Brains and have you sedated if I have to. And that goes along with the rest of you. Now that you know that John will be physically ok, you need to go to bed. Got it."

"Aye, Aye Captain." All four chorused back as they walk off.

Virgil yells after them, "Don't get cheeky."

**Later that night, Infirmary **

John is having a restless night, sleeping in the infirmary, plagued by the nightmares by what had happened months before. Tossing and turning, his dad and older brother watch as John is having a nightmare, frowns creasing across both of their worried faces.

_-Red Alert. Warning. Impact Imminent.-_

"_Thunderbird Five to Tracy Island. Mayday… Mayday."_

_The projectile propelled into the outer hall of the space station, rupturing the oxygen tanks, gas exploding into the hostile, oxygen-deprived environment of space. A shockwave coursed through the station, tilting it, with the impact from the unknown projectile that rocked Thunderbird five, I feel myself being propelled backwards trying to protect myself from further injury raised my arms over head to protect my head while the debris from console went up in a shower of sparks and debris. I was flung head over heels to the other side of the station, my shoulder impacting with the grid, back colliding with the wall and for a moment there was only the pain. There was pain everywhere, blinding and all-encompassing. Spiking through my head, burning into my back, and cutting into my arm. Blackness is welcoming. But it came, it went, it's fluctuating all around me. I lay on the ground, disorientated, gasping, feeling nothing, all around me is the sound of stressed metal of the station groaning and moaning under the distress of the impact. There was smoke all around me, blinking the tears out of his eyes; I finally managed to find out where I had landed, down the access tunnel that led to the docking hatch, not far from the control room. Miles for me though. I move. Mistake, big mistake. Tremendous, stupid mistake. Pain shoots through my abused body and I cry out, but there was no one here to hear it. Someone seemed to be burying red-hot spike into his back and his right arm refused to work, still, I moved, crawled mostly, digging my fingers into the twisted metal and pulled myself forward to the communications console. Skin tore around his injuries, more blood flowed, I didn't care, all I cared about, my entire mind is focused on is the console, I know I have to reach it. I manage to pull myself up to a sitting position, after it seemed like hours getting to the console. Blackness wanted me again, but I refused the invitation._

_-Emergency power to ten percent-_

_Everything was fried. Charred. Broken. Lamps and displays busted, keys of the keyboard melted, and I hurt so badly. Still, I made myself move, lift up my screaming arm, pain shooting through it like daggers, and punch in the emergency frequency praying that at least the rudimentary systems still worked. "I'm losing all power." I managed, voice roughed from the smoke inhalation. Sparks erupted from the charred console and he averted his face, clinging to the twisted metal to keep himself upright._

_-Emergency power to ten percent-_

"_Repeat. I'm losing all power."_

"_Hold on John, we're coming in."_

_My strength faded and I had to let go, sliding to the ground, coughing. My lungs felt hurt. I hurt. I hurt so much, everything hurts too much. Around me the world consisted of darkness, the emergency lighting, small fires licking at the walls, it was made up out of never-ending pain signals my nerves transmitted. _

John wakes up gasping for air, trying to calm himself, he counts to ten in his head, '_ten, nine, eight, seven, six, just breath, five, four, three, two, one, ok, I'm better now.' _The dream had been a recurring one. Over and over, with slight variations, but always the same content. The missile impact, or at least now that John knows it was missile and not a meteorite like everyone thought at first. The station's struggle to survive. The agony of moving, of just existing, while waiting for a rescue. John scans the infirmary, he sees his dad in a dad next to his bed, his brother Scott is also in a chair next to the window, both sound asleep, John looks to the ceiling, knowing that sleep is inevitable for the rest of the night.

**Morning, Tracy Island, Kitchen **

"Morning, Onaha, you are definitely an angel." Scott Tracy sits at the table holding a cup of steaming coffee. "Scott Tracy, you are definitely sweet. How are you doing this morning?"

"I'm worried."

"John."

"Yes, how did you know?"

"Honey, I think all of us are worried about him, he is having trouble dealing with what happened during spring break. He needs the time to get through it, but he also need his family and friends around him and he has been withdrawing from all of us. We just have to stick with it; we can't force him to talk."

"Then how do we help him?"

"Manipulate him, but don't tell him I told you so."

"Onaha, you are one sneaking lady."

"Yes, well, I've been observing young John, along with my husband, and he agrees that no matter what, he needs our help and we are going to help him, even if he doesn't like it."

"Thanks Onaha for the advice."

"Anytime dear, anytime. Oh yea, if you don't know, Brains already left in Tracy One to take Alan and Fermat back to school."

"See you later." Scott walks out of the kitchen.

**One hour later, Infirmary  
**"Hey, how long have you been up?"  
"What you want Scott?"

"What do you mean John?"

"Well, you are here so you must need something?"

"I just want to spend some time with my brother."

"Well, you have three other brothers that you could spend time with."

"John, please, just talk please."

"Begging isn't a good color on you Scott, so don't bother."

"John, come on, don't be like this."

"I know what you are doing Scottie, ain't gonna work. I also know what dad is doing, coaxing Doc Steve in coming for a vacation. Please, like that is real original."

"John, listen to yourself, this isn't like you."

"Bye Scott."

"What?"

"LEAVE NOW. AND TELL EVERYONE ELSE THAT I DON'T WANT ANY VISITORS TODAY, ESPECIALLY FROM YOU, DAD, AND ESPECIALLY THE DOC."

"Ok, John." Scott turns around and walk out of the infirmary, meeting up with his dad outside the door of the infirmary. "Scott, what's wrong?" Scott stumble slightly over to the wall, collapsing on the ground. His dad walks over to him and kneels in front of him, "Scott, what is it, is something wrong with John." Scott looks up into his fathers' eyes and says, "He has changed. He is different. He is not John anymore."

"Scott, calm down, what are you talking about?"

"He was angry. He was so angry. I've never seen him that angry."

"Maybe I should talk to him."

"No, he doesn't want anyone to come near him, to talk to him."

"But he needs help."

"Dad, Onaha gave me some advice this morning. She knows that John won't talk to us voluntarily, but she suggested that we could somehow manipulate him into talking to us without realizing that he is talking about it."

"Jeff, I think that's a good idea. That was what you were describing to me on the phone, although I would haggard a guess that he won't be too happy about it when he finds out."  
"Onaha suggests that he doesn't find out."

"She is a very smart lady, isn't she Jeff."

"Yes she is Steve. Now I know John doesn't want to see us but shall we go in and disturb him anyway."

"Right behind you Jeff." All three, Scott, Jeff, and Steve walk back into the infirmary. Upon hearing the swooshing sound of the door, John turns over and sees his brother, dad, and the doctor coming towards him, he rolls over to the other side so that his back is facing towards them.

"John, son, can you face us?"

"Please, Johnny, face us."

"You know, the many years that I've known you John, you have never acted this way. Makes me think that something is terribly wrong."

"You know, begging doesn't suit you at all, especially you dad, kind of out of practice aren't you."

"John, son, this is not you at all. Please just let us help you."

"I DO NOT NEED YOUR HELP. I AM FINE. GOT IT. NOW, I TOLD SCOTTIE HERE THAT I DON'T WANT TO SEE ANYONE. THAT STILL STANDS. SO, LEAVE NOW."

"John, let us help you. "

"I do not need your help. I am fine."

"Don't make me do this."

"Do what?"

"John, you need help, but if you don't allow yourself see it then you will destroy yourself. Don't do that to your family."

"I'm not doing anything to my family."

"John, son, my heart is breaking because you won't allow us to help you. We can help you, we will help you, all you need to do is ask. We understand what you are going through."

"YOU DO NOT KNOW WHAT I AM GOING THROUGH. YOU HAVE NEVER BEEN TARGETED BY A MAD MAN. WHEN I FOUND OUT THAT IT WAS A MISSILE, I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO BELIEVE. WHEN IT IMPACTED I DIDN'T KNOW IF I HAD REACHED THE ISLAND, I FELT ALONE, I FELT ALONE AND HURT. THEN YOU ALL GOT UP HERE AND THEN WE FOUND OUT THAT THE HOOD WANTED YOU THERE. DID YOU KNOW HOW I FELT KNOWING THAT I LED YOU POSSIBILY TO YOUR DEATHS? I'VE HATED MYSELF FOR BEING WEAK. I FELT LIKE I LET YOU DOWN. I HATE MYSELF BECAUSE I COULDN'T FIGURE OUT THAT IT WAS A DAMN MISSILE, IF I KNEW IT WAS A MISSILE THAN I WOULDN'T HAVE SENT THAT DISTRESS CALL AND YOU COULD HAVE HELPED ALAN OUT, HE WOULDN'T HAVE HAD TO GO THROUGH WHAT HE DID. BUT I DIDN'T KNOW. I BROUGHT YOU UP THERE BECAUSE I WAS WEAK."

"John, you are not weak. We would have come up no matter what because you needed us. You were hurt, alone and scared, and that is perfectly normal. Yea, Alan being thrown into all this kinda sucked but he made the decision to save his family, that was his choice, and I know for a fact that he wouldn't change anything, if we hadn't gone up to get you, you would have died but you didn't. You are one of the bravest people that I know and I am proud to call you my son. You shouldn't hate yourself, we don't hate you, we don't blame you, we love you. You are also right, we don't know what you went through when you were there alone, heck, and we all had different experiences when we were up there even if we were in the same place and so we all will deal with it in our own way. But John, you need to talk to us, talk to your family, tell all of your family what you need, talk to us, not what you think we want to hear, but what you need to say to get through this. We will get through together, as a family, John."

"Dad, I'm scared. I'm scared to close my eyes and find myself back up there, I'm scared that when we go out on rescues someone won't be coming home, I'm scared to go back up to thunderbird five. I don't like feeling scared, it makes me feel weak and vulnerable."

"I know what you mean son. I am scared to let you boys go out on rescues. I am scared to let you go back to thunderbird five. I don't want to lose any of my boys. I blame myself because I was the one that started International Rescue, and because of someone who wanted to get back at me, targeted one of my sons in his sanctuary, in his solitude. I know how you feel about being on thunderbird 5, it's not your second home, it is your home and he targeted you, made you feel unsafe in the one place where you truly want to be, except being with family. But the thing is John, I've talked about my fears, I've expressed what I am feeling inside, so has everyone else but you. It's okay to be feeling the way you are, to be experiencing PTSD, but you need to talk about it instead of letting it get bottled inside."

"I'm not sure if I can talk about it."

"We are here when you are ready to talk John, just remember that we are here for you and we won't leave until you are ready."

"Thanks dad. I'm kinda tired. Didn't really sleep well last night."

"Ok John, we will leave you to rest. Come on guys." With that, Jeff, Scott and Steve walk out of the infirmary smiling to each. A couple minutes later though, they walk back on the infirmary, each sitting down on a chair watching John sleep.

**John's Nightmare**

"_Thunderbird five to Tracy Island. Mayday…Mayday."_

_The call ended abruptly as the missile impacted with the station, there was nothing but the bright blinding pain of the explosion. I was vaguely aware of being hurled back through the station; I have about a second to worry about the inevitable contact with the opposite wall before everything suddenly went dark. It was calm and peaceful somewhere in my mind, not aware of the pain going through my body. But too soon all that went away. Feeling comes back and I am all too aware of my surroundings. Slowly I began to pull myself up from the crumpled position that I was in. moving was a mistake. Now the dull ache between my shoulder blades became searing pain, holding my breath as I try to calm the wave of nausea that swept through my body. I lift my right arm and groaned as the action sent further sparks of pain shooting through my shoulder and across my back. Slowly clambering to my feet, I peered along the corridor towards the damaged computer console and the blackened hull beyond. I began walking forward carefully, shaking my head to clear the dizziness that had developed. The main computer terminal seemed fried. Frowning, I brushed off the debris and saw the flickering displays beneath. There was still little power coming through from somewhere, I quickly assessed the stations systems for damage. I edged along the consoles and groaned as I saw everything was down except for emergency lighting and the automated collision protocols but they took power from the temporary batteries. Collision. My heart slammed against my chest as I suddenly remembered what had hit the station. He had to contact the island, warn his family. They would no doubt be on their way up to him right now but he had to tell them to stay away. The automated systems would be announcing possible meteor impact but I had to tell them it was no meteor. I had been targeted. I look up at the communications console and smile as I saw the terminal lights flickered. I clambered to my knees and opened a channel._

"…_John…your…status." Came a disjointed crack over the radio._

"_Dad!" I gasped. "Dad! Can you hear me?"_

"…_under…three…bird five… John…"_

"_Dad." I groaned in annoyance._

"_John? Can you hear me? Thunderbird 3 to Thunderbird 5. Come in."_

_I signed in relief and edged back to the console as the message echoed clearly around the station. "Dad. It was a missile." I stammered quickly into the comm. "I was targeted."_

"_Understood." The reply was simple and professional but I could hear the relief in his father's voice now that his son had replied. "Dad, you should stay away in case they fire again." John offered quietly._

_"Negative. What is your status?"_

_John closed his eyes and sat back on his heels. His head was spinning dizzily, both from the effects of the smoke fumes and the confusing conflict of feeling relief that help was on the way but also terrified for the safety of his family. "Thunderbird 5, what is your status?"_

_John nodded and then gasped as the console beside him exploded. He shielded his face with his arms and waited for the flames to settle before then peering back out at the damage. _

_-Emergency power to 10 percent-_

_John groaned and glared up at the invisible source of the computerized voice. He took a deep breath and regretted it instantly as hot acid smoke filled his lungs. He double over as his body shuddered with painful coughs and was sure his breakfast was soon to follow. After a moment he grabbed the edge of the console and pulled himself back up to the communications array. "I'm losing all power."_

_-Emergency power to 10 percent-_

"_Repeat: I'm losing all power."_

_"Hang on, John. We're coming in."_

_John nodded and swallowed hard, grimacing at the bitter taste in his mouth. He was tired and sore but slowly his father's calm response was sinking in. He slowly climbed to his feet and surveyed the ruined consoles, trying to decide where to begin patching up the mess._

_Out of the corner of his eye, John saw a familiar red shape glide by the window and he smiled in relief. He turned to watch as Thunderbird 3 slowly adjusted trajectory and he knew that this must be to match the roll of the unstable station. Turning from the consoles, he began towards the docking hatch and then froze as he heard a sickening metallic groan. The lights in the station flickered and died and John closed his eyes. The hull ripped apart as if it was made of paper. No longer protected from the vacuum of space, the station expelled its contents out into the blackness. John cried out as he was swept off of his feet and sucked out with the rest of the debris. He collided with the computer consoles as he tumbled from the station and felt the sickening crunch of bones shattering. A brief flash of the red hull of Thunderbird 3 tumbling away from the force of the blast was the last thing he saw before his lungs exploded._

"NO!" John sat bolt upright in the bed, the sheets clinging to his shaking body. He clutched at his chest and tried to steady the breaths that were coming in quick gasps. Slowly he began to calm and he groaned as his eyes adjusted to the darkness. He was safe at home in the infirmary. He was not tumbling through space and the loud sound of his still rapid breaths confirmed that his lungs were working fine.

John untangled his legs from the sheets, still lying on the bed; he stays there for a moment so that he could gradually get his breathing and heart rate under control. It was almost the same every time he closed his eyes. The warning from the computer terminal, the approaching missile and the unstoppable collision. At least at that time I didn't know that it was a missile. The only thing that his mind randomly altered was the sequence of events that followed. The first time the station had simply exploded as soon as the missile impacted and that was perhaps the easiest version of the nightmare. The adaptation that included him witnessing Thunderbird 3 bursting into a ball of flames wasn't particularly pleasant.

John closed his eyes, sinking back into the pillow. He rarely slept for longer than a few hours anyway, his intelligent mind a constant hive of activity and worry, but catching a few moments of rest to only be woken by the nightmare of reliving the incident that happened over four weeks ago. Looking around the infirmary, John sees his dad and brother staring at him with concerned faces, he sinks back into the pillow, "Son, are you okay?" John just stares at the opposite wall, not looking at his dad. "Please John, just talk to us."

"I should have known that it was a missile, if I did then Alan wouldn't have been in danger and there wouldn't have been that chance of you guys dying up there. I keep imagining different scenarios that could have happened, and if they did happen, I couldn't live with myself."

"But they didn't happen; we are here together, alive and well. We will help you get through this. You won't forget what happened; you shouldn't try to forget it, it would just rip you apart from the inside. It almost did. But it didn't, not yet, just let us help you."

"I'm not sure what to say about my feelings, I've never felt comfortable relaying my feelings openly to anyone. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I don't know how to talk about what I feel or think at the moment."

"I know how hard it is, so does Scott, you all take after me in some aspect of that, but I did opened up, it took time and we all helped each other, we still opened up. But you, you got a double dose, you got your stubbornness from both myself and your mother but now it's your turn, it's going to take time, but we do have time. We aren't in any rush. Thunderbird five still got plenty of work to do until its operational, and you can still go on rescues if you want to. But you need to start sleeping and eating, you need to get stronger. And until I see that you start sleeping and eating, you will not go on any rescues, plus with the injury, I wasn't going to let you go for at least a couple of weeks, or at least until Brains give you the all clear to go."

"I'm going to try, honest dad. It's just that after so many years of hiding your emotions, it's hard to start showing them again."

"Can I ask you a question John?"  
"Yea, sure."

"When did you start closing yourself off from everybody?"

"It really started when mom died but even before then I had a hard time talking but mom always knew what to say to get me to open up. I never talked about her death, what it was like down there with her, what we talked about before she died. It was so hard to talk about her. I always felt comfortable talking to her and when we lost her, I didn't know how to deal. I started focusing on school and family. I kept busy, I stayed busy."

"That's why you took care of your brothers and took those college courses while still in high school. Because you couldn't deal with your mothers' death. That you had a hard time talking about it."

"Yea, I guess. It's nothing personnel with you dad, you were never the talkative one about feelings that was mom, but even if you were, I don't think I would have talked about it anyways. I didn't want you to feel burden with my problems when you were still dealing with your own grief. For me, dealing with everyone' else' grief, was a relief, I didn't have to focus on myself. I dealt with her death the best way I could and I don't regret it. I'm not totally over moms' death, well, I could never because I was there, but I am past it, I moved on with my life."

"And that's what you need to do now but in a different way. Your way isn't helping with this. Both was a traumatic experience, but both had different circumstances. John, do you understand what I'm saying."  
"Yea, this time it was brought on by a mad man wanting revenge on International Rescue, that I was targeted because I am part of IR. With the avalanche, it was an accident, it wasn't caused by someone who wanted revenge, it was caused by unfortunate circumstances."

"We will get through this John, together."

"Thanks dad. I'm kinda tired, do you think I could sleep." Doctor Steve steps forward, "that would be the best thing you could do now John. You are exhausted. I'm going to wager a guess that nightmares been plaguing your sleep often the past four weeks."

"You would be correct."

"Do you want me to give you something to help you sleep?"

"Not now, maybe later if I can't fall asleep."

"Ok, just call if you need anything."

"Ok I will."

"Night John."

"Night son."

"Night John."

"Night." With that Jeff, Scott and Steve turn and walk out of the infirmary, relieved that they finally gotten through to John.

**Tracy Island, Lounge, One hour later**

Jeff, Scott and Steve walk into the lounge where Gordon and Virgil are sitting on the couch.

"How is John?"

"Better, at least now he is talking or is trying to talk about his feelings. I just have a hunch that this will take longer than expected."

"Why do you think that dad?"

"Because it's not just what happened over spring break that he isn't talking about, he was trying to deal with what happened to him the same why he dealt with your mothers' death."

"But he never talked about moms' death. He became recluse, quiet, more withdrawn, focused more on his studies than anything else, and he took care of us when you were at work, or when Scott was at practice. He made sure we were up for school, got our breakfast ready, packed our lunches, made sure we made it to where we were supposed to go to, he made sure our homework was done and correct, made sure we had clean clothes the next day, made sure we got showered and brushed our teeth, got us to bed at bedtime, tucked us in, read us bedtimes stories, was there when we had nightmares, talked to us when we got sad or scared. Even with grandma was there, or even when she was hurt some of those times, when grandpa had to come over, John still did everything, he worried about everything. He didn't just take care of us physically, he took care of us emotionally, and what you are saying is that he wasn't taken care of himself during that time."

"Yea, I remember the first time that Grandma got injured, it was a Friday afternoon, Scott was at practice because he didn't have a game, he was late getting us from our activities. Thinking back he looked frazzled, he kept forgetting to call grandpa until Saturday afternoon and even then he couldn't reach him because he was out in the fields and dad was at a business meeting in New York so for a time he was rushing to and from the hospital and at the time we didn't know what happened until grandpa came late that night. He always did that, kept himself busy, even though there was people around to help."

"I really didn't know any of that until it was too late, he had withdrawn so much into his shell it was uncanny, the only ones that could get a half decent smile out of him was Alan and you two, Virgil and Gordon, and that's why I think this will take longer than we thought, he has kept so much to himself over the years, I don't think he is over your mothers' death."

"I wouldn't be surprise, he was with her when she died, he got injured, spent a couple of days in the hospital all the while grieving with the death of his mother and trying to deal with the traumatic event that he had to endure. He had stayed strong for his family to grief that he didn't grief properly himself."

"Steve, I tried to get him talk and you know how well that went over."

"I know Jeff, back then, we both agreed not to push John, so we left it as it was, now, we don't, we get him to talk."

"Do you think he will?"

"I don't know Jeff, he most likely will start talking about the incident with the Hood, as to talking about the death of his mother that might take longer."

"What do we do 'Uncle' Steve?"

"Patience Gordon, patience. We all need him to open up, we don't need him to get more withdrawn. He will start eating and sleeping. He won't be going on rescues for a couple of weeks, until his injury clears and I see that he is properly taking care of himself. His recovery going to take time, we need to give him the time."

**Eight weeks later**

"Hey Sprout, welcome home."

"Hey Scott, it's good to be home. Where is everyone?"

"Inside."

"Ok, cryptic. And don't call me Sprout."

"Sorry, no can do. Ready to go inside."

"Yea, so is everyone planning a party for me."

"No."

"Seriously, I am hurt."

"So how was school?"

"Five A's and two B's, plus I made the cross country team for the fall and I got approved for three AP classes. I also got approved for tutoring sessions, and I am volunteering at the Y."

"Which three?"

"Astronomy, and we are using one of Johns' books as a textbook, isn't that sweet. Also, Literature and Greek Mythology."

"Ah ok. So am I the first person to know."

"No."

"What? I'm hurt."

"I told John first. How is he?"

"He had a setback."  
"What? What happen?"

"I'm not sure, he isn't talking about it. Dad and Steve been trying to get him to open up again, but he won't"

"Do you think it has to do with Thunderbird 5 getting ready to go back online?"

"Ah, don't know."

"When I talked to him three weeks ago and told him my classes, he was ok, he was smiling and laughing and joking, but then when I talked to him a week ago, he seemed distant. Dad was talking to me about thunderbird 5 being ready just a couple days before that and how he had already talked to you guys about it. So logically speaking, it's not a big leap, at least from where I am standing."

"What's your IQ again?"

"Not as high as John but higher than yours."

"Ha, real funny."

"What, just calling it as I see it. So, he isn't talking to anyone about going back up there."

"No, we've all told him that he doesn't have to go back right away, but you know how Johnny is. I think he's having nightmares again, and not just about spring break."

"About mom."

"Yea, we all haggard a guess that he never got over it, we just didn't know how much he didn't until now."

"Do you think he'll do something?"

"What do you mean Sprout?"

"I mean he wouldn't try anything, would he?"

"Alan, I don't have as high as an IQ as you, speak clearly, not cryptically."

"Scott, would John ever think about taking his own life?"

"What? No way, Johnny would never do that."

"How would you know Scott? Has he ever talked to you about his feelings? He is hurting Scott, we don't know what goes on in that head of his. This is just like what happened before, not eating, not sleeping, not talking, and it nearly killed him. Well, I wouldn't go that far, but if you guys hadn't done something eight weeks ago, John would have kept tumbling down that barrel. Look Scott, we don't know what John would do, but I sure as hell ain't gonna lose my favorite brother who has kept me sane all this years."

"When did you mature?"

"Spring break." Scott turns slightly towards, looking incredulously upon his baby brother.

"What? Nearly losing my whole family, nearly losing my best friend and current girlfriend, my surrogate family to a mad man really opened my eyes and I realized that I needed you."

"Well, Sprout, we also need you to, you do know that?"

"Yea, and John also needs us now maybe more than ever. Have you ever wonder why we could always talk about stuff together instead of him coming to one of you?"

"No, why?"

"Because we felt the same way."

"And what does that mean?"

"John feels cutoff from the rest of you. Being up there where the only contact you have with the outside world is though vid-link and with your own family, gets kinda lonely. And when he comes home, he has to endure the teasing that you three put him through. Just like, when I went to school, I always felt cutoff because you put the family business in front of me and when I come home, I get teased relentlessly. The only one who really sits down and talked to me, and really gotten to know me is John. I think that he feels guilty that he doesn't spend time with me. But you know something, those talks that we've had has been the highlight of the year. Whether I was happy or sad, he always made the time to talk to me, and help me with homework. Even if he couldn't be there in person, I always knew I could lean on him if I needed a shoulder to cry on. Everyone kept saying that we are alike in just appearances, but we both knew that was not true, that we are alike in so many other ways too. But that was before spring break, I know that I am loved and that you guys have stopped the teasing, or at least to a minimum. But what about John, I know you don't mean too, when he goes back into his shell, you don't know what to do, but all you need to do is be there for John, and let him know that you're there for him when he need someone to talk to … I'm getting thirsty with all this talking. Let's go inside, have some ice tea that Onaha has made up and see what John is up to."

"Sounds like a plan Sprout."

"And stop calling me Sprout." Scott and Alan walks up the sidewalk towards the villa, into the kitchen where they see Onaha setting up a pitcher of unsweetened ice tea and some crackers and cheese. They sit at the round table where Gordon and Virgil is rapidly discussing Thunderbird 2, they look up and see Alan, "Hey, what's up Sprout?"

"Nothing, and don't call me Sprout Virgil. Where is dad?"

"With John."

"And where are them?" Virgil looks towards Gordon who looks at Scott. "Guys, I'm not a kid anymore. Where are they?"

"In the infirmary."

"What? What happen?" Both Alan and Scott exclaimed.

"Don't know. They were in there when we got up with Steve and Brains and they haven't come out since." Looking towards Scott, Alan asks, "You don't think he would do it, do you?"

"I don't know."

"Do what?" Gordon piped up in the conversation.

"Nothing, we'll talk to you about it later after we find out what's going on with John."

"Ok." All four of the boys walk out of kitchen towards the infirmary where they here the swooshing sound of the door and see their dad walk out, "Dad, what's going on?"

"Alan, boys, lets' go to the lounge." The four boys follow their dad and Steve out of the hallway to the lounge. Jeff sits in his chair behind the desk while Scott leans at the corner of the desk with Steve hovering nearby and Virgil, Gordon and Alan sit on the couch. "Boys, first off, John is doing better, Brains is monitoring his condition. Second, before you ask anything, I believe what he did was accidental." Alan looks up to see his dad, "Dad, did John try to?" Taking a few deep breaths, Alan starts again only having Scott interrupt him, "What Alan is asking, did John accidently try to take his own life?" Hearing gasps from Virgil and Gordon, Jeff sign, "Yes. I went to check on him this morning, when I went into his room I found him sleeping, or at least that's what I thought, as I got closer I realize that his breathing was labored and went over to him, his pulse was weak and he was pale. I looked over to the nightstand and found a bottle of sleeping pills. I immediately called for Brains and Steve. Like I said, I do not believe that he tried to take his own life, that it was an accident, it seemed that John couldn't sleep so he took a few pills, what John had said, he was still not sleeping well an hour later so he took more, after a while they still hadn't worked so he took more than he should have. Brains was able to pump his stomach and he woke up soon after, he asked what had happened and I told him. He replied explaining what I just told you. Although Steve thinks that even though he himself thinks that John did it accidently, there still might be an underlying motive."

"And what would that be?"

"We don't know what he is thinking, he isn't talking about anything nowadays, his nightmares has come back full force, he has stopped eating, he doesn't seem to care about going out on rescues anymore, he doesn't hang with anyone anymore at all, and he just walks away if we want to talk about anything. He doesn't get angry at all."

"Isn't that a good thing."

"In a sense, yes, but with John, he has withdrew back within himself, even more than your mothers' death. He's not showing emotion anymore and anger is an emotion. He isn't talking to anyone at all and I don't know what else to do. He says it was an accident with the pills, but lately, with the way he has been acting, I'm not sure if we should believe him or not."

"Johnny as always been honest."

"I know Alan, but he has changed a lot. When was the last time he talked to you?"

"A week ago. I was excited to come home and spend time with my family."

"And how did he seem?"

"He seemed distant, but it also seem like he wanted to talk about something but couldn't get it out. I tried to get him to open up but I also didn't want to push, I knew if I did that he would clam up and not talk at all. Do you think that he is apprehensive about going back to five?"

"I'm not sure. Since your dad brought up the fact that thunderbird five is ready and fit to operate, John became like this. Brains offered to go up there with Fermat, but that still didn't get him to open up. In my opinion, he is afraid. He's afraid that he would die himself up there alone, or that he's afraid that if anyone went up there that they would die. Existentially, he is afraid that he could lose his family and closest friends if and when they go up to five."

"That's ridiculous. John knows that we've put up defensive measures to counteract anything remotely dangerous that could impact the station. That there are defensive weapons that would automatically lunch if a missile or a meteor comes within striking distance of the station and that there is an even earlier warning system than before. It's totally safe."

"Is it Scott."

"What does that mean?"

"Look at it from John's point of view. He was the one that was up there on five when the missile impacted, and at the time he didn't even know that it was a missile. I'm not sure if he found out that it was a missile before you got there or not. He blames himself for sending out that mayday, because he feels that if he hadn't than you guys wouldn't have gone up there to save him almost nearly dying yourself instead of being down here to help me stop the Hood. Pretty much, he blames himself for Fermat, Tintin and myself nearly dying down here on the island because you guys was up on five rescuing John, and that you guys almost died because he was selfish to send out that mayday, his words not mine. Even that, he was up there when it had impacted, he felt the force of the impact, and he witnessed the damage to five. Experiencing all of that doesn't just go away even though something is deemed safe. Thunderbird five was deemed safe before the Hood attacked and he doesn't want to go through that again. He doesn't want to lose hope in something again. And he feels if he goes up there again and something happens again, then he could and would lose that hope."

"Ok Alan, I get what you are saying. What do we do to convince him that it is safe to go back there?"

"We don't."

"What do you mean son?"

"John needs to get there on his own. He won't be convinced that it is safe until he feels safe himself up there and we can't force him to feel that way. It will take time for him to feel ready."

"You know something Alan."

"Yes Steve."

"Are you planning on taking psychology in the fall at Wharton's?"

"Why?"

"Because you would be great at it."

"I learn from the best."

"Really, who?"

"John."

"John?"

"Yea John, he always puts us before himself. He is there to listen and he gives great advice. When he is at home, he observes everything and everyone around him. He has always said that one thing you could for another is to understand the way they are feeling, not change it."

"That is very sound advice. Still, you haven't answered the question."

"Yes I am, I still haven't gotten the results from the placement test, whether or not I will be in the AP class, though if I don't then I will be in the regular class."

"I have no doubt that he didn't pass the test."

"And how do you know that Scott?"

"Well dad."

"Scott."

"What?"

"I didn't tell you to blab to everyone before I get the chance to tell them myself."

"What is it son?"

"I was approved for three AP classes so far for next year."

"That's great, which three?"

"Astronomy, Literature and Greek Mythology."

"Greek Mythology. Didn't realize there was a class for that."

"Yea there is. It really seemed interesting so I applied for the class. Since it's not exactly the normal subject there wasn't a test for it so they just took scores from the math, reading and writing sections and selected the students that way. Anyways, so what are we going to do about John?"

"We need to motivate him. Ah, Alan, have you told John about your AP classes?"

"Yea, three weeks ago when I found out. I also told him that I made the cross country team, that I was approved to be a tutor and that I'm going to be volunteering at the Y."

"I am so proud of you. Why didn't you tell us this earlier?"  
"You had to help John, I thought that it was more important to help John then telling you my good news, or at least until John got better. I just didn't want you to get distracted."

"Alan, I love you just as much as I love your brothers, don't ever think that you're not as important as your brothers, yes, our main focus has been on John getting better but that doesn't been that your accomplishments have to go to the back. We have to celebrate."

"Not until John gets better."

"Actually Alan, I think a party could be good for John, it's a way to motivate him, or at least get him talking again."

"Do you think I could go talk to him?"

"Sure son."

"Ok." With that Alan walks out of the office towards the infirmary.

**Infirmary**

John looks over when he hears the swooshing of the door opens to see Alan walking in, John turns his head towards the window. "Hey Johnny, how are you feeling?"

"You know about last night."

"Just what dad told me. Please tell me that it was an accident and not on purpose… John, please look at me. Tell me that it was an accident like you told dad."

"I'm not sure. I didn't set out to try and kill myself, but when I realize what was happening I could have called for help but I didn't, I felt at peace. You have to understand, the past few weeks, it's been tough. I thought talking about it would help but it didn't, I kept getting the nightmares, the flashbacks, I got startled at nearly every sound out there, I started throwing up my food again, I felt scared all the time, and when dad started talking about five being done, I just, I don't know, I couldn't deal with it. Last night, I just wanted to sleep because I didn't want to be tired for when you got home. I didn't realize about much I actually took, but I felt calm, like I didn't have any more worries but then I saw mom and she told me that it wasn't my time, that it would take time to get past the event, she told me that it was ok for me to feel the way I was feeling and that there wasn't anything wrong with asking for help. But then I woke up and the pain came back and I wanted it gone, I was mad because someone had saved me. I guess at the end, I wanted to die and I didn't realize it until I almost took my life accidently."

"And what about now?"

"I realize that I need help, when I was talking to dad, I saw the pain in his eyes, he almost lost me, and I couldn't deal with it if I caused that pain. I now know that if I had died then my pain would be gone, but you all, your pain was only starting, I couldn't deal with it if I had caused that pain. Anyways, I know that I need help, I am asking for help."

"We are going to help you in every way we can. We love you John and we know that what happened to you, it couldn't have been easy but you survived it, we all survived it and we all got stronger from it."

"Yea well, you went through worse than me and you're not having problems like me."

"I decided to go after the Hood, here on the island and in the bank. He didn't target me, but he did target you, and he targeted you because he had one purpose, and don't you dare blame yourself again for sending out that mayday, they would have still gone up there because you were in trouble. Plus, if you hadn't sent that mayday and dad didn't know about what happened, what do you think dad would have been like afterwards, he would be blaming himself for not helping you sooner. I know because he blames himself for not being down here, but you know what, we are not to blame ourselves. What happened to us is not our faults, it is not your fault that you were targeted, it was not your fault that you needed help, it was not either yours or dads fault that I had to fight the Hood, it was the Hoods' entire fault. He is the one to blame. I also know that dad still blames himself, because it was dad that he was after, that he blames dad for leaving him, but it wasn't even dads fault, it was the Hoods' fault, he left those miners by themselves, he decided to take a different route, leaving the miners to fend for themselves, everything was the Hoods fault, not ours, and yes I know that I sound like a broken record, but it is true."

"When did you get so mature?"

"I have a good role model."

"Who? Dad."

"No. You." John looks over at Alan, "You were the one that I talked to whenever I needed help, you are the one who doesn't get into confrontations, you are the most brilliant person that I have ever known, you are kind and caring, and you don't put yourself in front of others. You give really good advice, and I have listened to you. You don't do anything childish, not like the other three, and that's not boring. You know how to have fun, but you go about it more mature. You are my role model John, and I love you."

"Thank you for saying that, but I'm not really setting a good example the past couple of weeks."

"Yes you are, when I needed help on my homework, you were there even though you were dealing with your own problems, when those kids started to bully Fermat, we went to you and you didn't turn us away even though you were dealing with stuff. Even with what happened last night, you still worried about everyone else. You shouldn't be ashamed about feeling what you are feeling, especially after what you went through. And trust me the rest of us had troubles to after spring break."

"But all of you got through it, I haven't."

"We haven't gotten through it, I don't think we'll ever get over it, we just talked to each other about what happened. We all still have nightmares from that day. Don't ever feel that we don't understand what you are going through, though we don't know exactly what you went through, we do have our own fears."

"Thank you Alan."

"Always big bro, always. Anyways, dad wants to celebrate my accomplishments with a party and I really want you to be there since you helped me a lot this pass year."

"I don't know, I'm not really good company at the moment."

"I don't care, you're still my brother and I love you, you helped me the most when I was at my worst and I am going to help you now. I really like to go to thunderbird five and I really want you to be the one to show it to me first and teach me about thunderbird five."

"You still want to go over there even if there is danger."

"Yes, I learned that there is no place that is safe, the Hood invaded our home, attacked our security, but I'm not afraid to come home. Yea, it made me grow up faster, knowing that no place is safe, but if I'm scared then I'm letting the Hood win and I won't do it. I'm also not afraid to leave home anymore, spring break showed me that I could lose all of you and I was afraid to leave and you guys won't be there, but if I keep that fear I will let the Hood win, and like I said, I am not doing that. But I know that when I come home you will be there because you all make sure that I know you are still here, so when dad told us that you overdosed this morning I was scared. I need you in my life, we all need you in our lives. You are the rock that we lean on, your quiet calmness, that gentle presence that we feel is you. You are the peacemaker between us, you think things through, you don't get angry when either myself or Gordon plays a prank on you, you are the mediator between all of us and dad, you are both dads and Scotts conscious here at home and on the rescues, you keep us calm and if we lose you we lose that. We absolutely, 100 percent love you and if you try to kill yourself again and succeed, I swear I will learn necromancy and bring you back and kill you myself, do you understand?"

"Aye, Aye, Captain."

"Don't get cheeky. Seriously, you know that we love you and will do anything to keep you here."

"Yes I know Alan and thank you."

"That's what brothers are for. I love you."

"I love you too Alan and I do love everyone. And I appreciate all of the concern, I promise that I will start talking about stuff, stuff that I've kept to myself for a long time."

"I am holding you to that promise and you can always come to me."

"I know, thanks again. I'm kinda tired so I'm gonna try and sleep."

"Ok bro, see you later." John falls to sleep within seconds, Alan sits in the chair until he is sure that John is ok, he gets up from the chair and walks out of the infirmary.

**Next day, Kitchen**

John walks into the kitchen and looks around, he sees his dad, Scott and Alan at the table, John walks over and pick up a plate with blueberry pancakes on it, "John dear, would you like apple or orange juice?"

"Orange juice would be good, are there sausages?"

"Yes. They are in the oven, I'll get them."

"Thanks Onaha, you are an angel."

"Zip it bro we've already used that line."

"Yea Scott, but it's still true."

"Yea I know. Hey Onaha, is there any more coffee or has my dad harbor it for himself."

"Hey I resent that, I don't drink that much."

"Ah yea you do."

"I think you two have some chores to do, Alan why don't you help Scott with Thunderbird 1."

"Great, thanks dad, I'm gonna have so much fun." Alan exclaim happily.

"Oh really, I could get it done so much faster." Scott groans to his dad.

"Yes Scott, it will give you two some brotherly bonding plus you could teach him everything about your 'bird. Plus he's gonna have so much fun."

"That's the problem dad."  
"Gee thanks Scott, dads right you should know that, it's gonna be so much fun."

"Come on Sprout, lets' have some fun." Scott and Alan walk out of the kitchen down to the silo where thunderbird one is located.

"What was that about dad?"

"I figured that Alan would need a crash course in everything IR so why not start with Thunderbird 1, especially when Alan is like this."

"What? Hyper."

"Yea. I'm surprise that he is up this early."

"Well, I'm not."

"Ah."

"Alan, he usually wakes up around dawn at school and go running, and since he made the cross country team in the fall, all that waking up did some good. He also like to watch the sunrise, he did that with Tintin after spring break, he felt relaxed and he was able to get most of his homework done then."

"How do you know this?"

"We talk, even before spring break, we talked a lot. He felt comfortable with the knowledge that I wasn't going to tease him if he needed help with anything, and we just didn't talk when he needed help, we talk at other times, he really is a funny kid especially when he isn't hanging around Gordon, and that wasn't much before spring break. Dad, I realize from the talks that we had that we have a lot in common, even when he wasn't even trying in school and his grades showed it, he is smart, intuitive, curious. I remember him asking questions about the stars one time, he was doing a paper on space for his science class, and he seemed so fascinated with it. All he needed was to see that he could be smart if he worked at it and he showed that to us the last eight weeks or so, and even when he was home that one weekend, he showed how much he matured."

"I think he also showed how much he matured in the last 24 hours, but it's nice to see him act like a kid."

"Yea, that is nice."

"So, what are you going to do today?"

"Most likely go down to the beach and relax. Haven't been able to do that lately. Well, I better be off, talk to you later, I'll try to make it make for lunch if not I really definitely be back by midafternoon, I'll get a snack then before dinner. Later." John skips out of the villa, down the sidewalk to the beach.

"Bye son." Jeff whispers as he watches his son go down to the beach.

"Virgil, can you go down to the beach?"

"Yea sure. But why?"

"John decided to go down to the beach, I just want to make he is ok."

"Ok, dad."

**Down on the beach **

John sits down in the sand partly in the surf of the waves. He looks up towards the sky and sigh, "I know Alan is right but I just don't know. I'm just so tire all the time. It's not just physically being tired, the exhaustion, the fatigue of not being able to close my eyes and not worry about the monsters in my dreams, when closing my eyes all I could think of is what had happened up there, thinking of everything that could have gone wrong, that did go wrong, It's just like the time after your death momma, when I just focused on everyone else, I was doing that again, but they don't need that do they. I never realized how much I've withdrawn into myself in my own world, in my own mind, deep down there where the darkness dwells, where for some reason that I keep going, a place where I rather go then to be with my brothers, or where I rather be alone and out of sight more than anything else than to be with my brothers. I love them so very much but I just don't know how to act around them. So many things have happened since that day at the ski lodge, when that avalanche came and you protected me as best as you could, you just couldn't protect me from the demons. But the funny thing is, I feel you with me, sometime I can hear you sing that song to me the one that tells me to keep soaring…" John starts singing…

___I used to think that I could not go on  
And life was nothing but an awful song  
But now I know the meaning of true love  
I'm leaning on the everlasting arms  
If I can see it, then I can do it  
If I just believe it, there's nothing to it  
I believe I can fly  
I believe I can touch the sky  
I think about it every night and day  
Spread my wings and fly away  
I believe I can soar  
I see me running through that open door  
I believe I can fly  
I believe I can fly  
I believe I can fly  
See I was on the verge of breaking down  
Sometimes silence can seem so loud  
There are miracles in life I must achieve  
But first I know it starts inside of me, oh  
If I can see it, then I can be it  
If I just believe it, there's nothing to it_

_I believe I can fly_

_I believe I can touch the sky_

_I think about it every night and day_

_Spread my wings and fly away_

_I believe I can soar_

_I see me running through that open door_

_I believe I can fly _

_I believe I can fly_

_Oh, I believe I can fly  
Hey, cause I believe in me, oh  
If I can see it, then I can do it  
If I just believe it, there's nothing to it_

_Hey, I believe I can fly_

_I believe I can touch the sky_

_I think about it every night and day_

_Spread my wings and fly away_

_I believe I can soar_

_I see me running through that open door_

_I believe I can fly_

_I believe I can fly_

_I believe I can fly  
Hey, if I just spread my wings  
I can fly  
I can fly  
I can fly, hey  
If I just spread my wings  
I can fly  
Fly-eye-eye_

**At the entrance to the beach**

"Dad, he's just sitting there, I think he's talking."

"Who is he talking to?"

"My guess, no one, or at least anyone alive."

"What do you mean?"

"Ah, I kinda tapped into his communicator… he was speaking to mom and then he started singing."

"What song was he singing?"

"He was singing _"I Believe I can Fly"._ Momma only sang that song to John, especially when he was feeling down or feeling left out. Some of the things he said, it really scared me, something about where he rather be in his own mind, in the darkness, whatever that means, then being with us. And even though it sounded like he realized that he was doing it, I'm not sure he's going to stop… hold on dad." Virgil switches back to the communicator and listen as John sing another song…

_I open my eyes  
I try to see but I'm blinded by the white light  
I can't remember how  
I can't remember why  
I'm lyin' here tonight  
And I can't stand the pain  
And I can't make it go away  
No I can't stand the pain  
How could this happen to me?  
I've made my mistakes got nowhere to run  
the night goes on as I'm fadin' away  
I'm sick of this life  
I just wanna scream  
How could this happen to me  
Everybody's screamin'  
I try to make a sound but no one hears me  
I'm slippin' off the edge  
I'm hangin' by a thread  
I wanna start this over again  
So I try to hold onto a time when nothing mattered  
And I can't explain what happened  
And I can't erase the things that I've done  
No I can't  
How could this happen to me?  
I've made my mistakes got nowhere to run  
the night goes on as I'm fadin' away  
I'm sick of this life  
I just wanna scream  
How could this happen to me?  
I've made my mistakes got nowhere to run _

_the night goes on as I'm fading away  
I'm sick of this life  
I just wanna scream  
How could this happen to me?_

"Dad, I'm scared, he's just sitting there in the ocean letting the waves it him. What if he goes under?"

"Just keep watching him, and if he does go under than you will be there to get him out of there. But, Virgil, he might just be venting his emotions the only way he could."

"I know, but what he is saying, what he is singing, its' scaring me."

"I know, its' scaring me too."

"When do you want me to intervene?"

"Tell you the truth, not sure, I haven't seen this side of John, but I do know this, once Gordon is done swimming I'll call him, Scott and Alan into the office and discreetly suggest to them to bring a picnic basket full of food down to the beach and have an impromptu picnic with their brothers."

"In other words, don't let John know what we are doing, just to watch him like a hawk."

"Precisely.

**Down at the beach**

"I miss you momma, I wish you were here, it would make things so much easier. I would know what to do, instead of being more confused. Everyone tells that I think too much, maybe they're right, maybe if I don't think about it then the answers will come easier. But I doubt that's true, we both know that's not true. I've always found solace and peace in the stars, watching them, talking to them, but now all I know is destruction, the destruction of thunderbird five, the pieces of debris floating in space around the stars, I'm so scared to go back to the one place that I find sanctuary in, and I hate myself for being weak…"

_I was sitting on my doorstep,  
I hung up the phone and it fell out of my hand,  
But I knew I had to do it,  
And he wouldn't understand,  
So hard to see myself without him,  
I felt a piece of my heart break,  
But when you're standing at a crossroad,  
There's a choice you gotta make.  
I guess it's gonna have to hurt,  
I guess I'm gonna have to cry,  
And let go of some things I've loved,  
To get to the other side,  
I guess it's gonna break me down,  
Like falling when you try to fly,  
It's sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life,  
Starts with goodbye.  
I know there's a blue horizon,  
Somewhere up ahead, just waiting for me,  
Getting there means leaving things behind,  
Sometimes life's so bitter sweet.  
I guess it's gonna have to hurt,  
I guess I'm gonna have to cry,  
And let go of some things I've loved,  
To get to the other side,  
I guess it's gonna break me down,  
Like falling when you try to fly,  
It's sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life,  
Starts with goodbye.  
Time heals,  
The wounds that you feel,  
Somehow, right now.  
I guess it's gonna have to hurt,  
I guess I'm gonna have to cry,  
And let go of some things I've loved,  
To get to the other side,  
I guess it's gonna break me down,  
Like falling when you try to fly,  
It's sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life,  
Starts with goodbye,  
I guess I'm gonna have to cry,  
And let go of some things I've loved,  
To get to the other side,  
Starts with goodbye,  
The only way you try to find,  
It's sad but, sometimes moving on with the rest of your life,  
Starts with goodbye,_

"Don't really believe that, that time heals, all I know is that I'm still hurting, that I'm still longing for you, for your scent, your touch, your voice, your reassurances that everything was going to be ok, just like that night or day, kinda lost time, but most of all, I still want your hugs and kisses, you always gave the best cuddles and it was because of all the love you were radiating off of, giving to each of us so we could do it for each other. Momma, I'm tired, I just want to sleep without the nightmares, the suddenly need for fresh air after waking up terrified from a nightmare. I just want to stop seeing the destruction of this family, knowing that I could have somehow stop it. I'm really trying to believe dad and Allie, but it's hard, it's so hard. I want to stop fighting, that I just want to give up, but then I would remember what Scott always said, '_Never give up, John, because there's always a chance. But if you give up, this chance will be lost. It's easy to give up – surviving is the hard part.' _I just want to believe him, believe them, but all of these years, trying to distance myself from them makes it hard to do."

**At the entrance of the beach**

"Ah shit."

"Exactly my sentiments Alan."

"But…but..I..I..thought we gggott to him, that we made… made him realize that if he does fall, that we will always be there for him."

"I know. But just like he was saying, he spent time distancing himself from us, even you Allie, and now all of a sudden, well, not all of a sudden but still, he has to let us back into that part of his life again. Even years ago, we wasn't in that part of his life, we were too young to really understand what was going on. But now that we all are older, we can help him get through this together, as brothers, as a family, united to help John get better. All in."

"You know it."

"Right, I got the picnic basket that Onaha has made lets' head down to the beach…"

"JOHN. JOHN. WHERE ARE YOU. ANSWER ME JOHN, WHERE THE HECK ARE YOU." Alan sprints down the ramp to the beach and into the water, he yells back, "GORDON I NEED YOUR HELP, VIRGIL GO GET DAD, SCOTT GET BRAINS AND MAKE SURE HE HAS A STRETCHER ALONG WITH MEDICAL EQUIPEMENT." Gordon runs down to catch up with Alan, they both make their way through the water, angling their bodies to go along the waves. Alan looks back at Gordon and face forward, determine to find his big brother. Gordon watches his immediate younger brother, seeing the worry creasing in his face, determined to find his big brother so he could beat the crap out of him once they did find him to make sure he doesn't pull another stunt like this. "JOHN WHERE ARE YOU. COME ON, PLEASE GIVE ME A SIGN." Gordon comes back from his thoughts hearing his brothers' frantic calls, he hears his older immediate brother with his dad. He looks back, seeing their own worry already shaping their faces, standing at the shore line, then he sees Scott coming up behind them, looking like he is holding his breath, than I see Brains with a stretcher and Fermat with the medical equipment, all this giving him a renewed vigor to find his older brother, though he never needed one. Both Alan and Gordon continue searching the water for their brother John, praying that he will be okay.

**Johns' mind, since he went under**

"_Where am I. Momma are you here. Please, I don't know where I'm at. Please, somebody help."_

"_Sweetie, Johnny are you here?"_

"_Yes mommy, I'm here."_

"_Oh sweetie, my sweet angel, you're not supposed to be here."_

"_But momma, I wanna stay with you."_

"_You can't sweetie. You're not supposed to be here, it's not your time."_

"_What's happening?"_

"_You accidently fell under the water and you haven't come up yet. Sweetie, you are dying but you're brothers still need you."  
"But I don't know how."_

"_Yes you do, you just have to come out of your darkness. Look baby, your brothers and father is frantically trying to save you. Please go back to them, stay with them. They love you so much."_

"_I don't know how to get back to them." John looks down upon the shore of the ocean._

"Come on John, don't do this. Damn it John, breath."

"Johnny, please come back, please, just breathe for us."

"Come on, I know you can do it, don't give up, come on, it's easy to give up, don't John, please breath, you can fight it, you can fight the darkness, just come back to us, we will help you survive, you just have to hold on now, come on John, breath. You got your whole life ahead of you, don't give up, just breathe."

"Son, please breath. Come back to us. We need you son, don't leave us."

"Mr. Tracy, it's been ten minutes, what do you want me to do?"

"Keep trying. Let's get him up and get him to the infirmary."

"Yes sir."

"_Momma, I don't know how to get back, please help me."_

"_Of course I'm going to help you; I've been helping you since that day."_

"_You've been our angel."_

"_Yes honey, and you've been there's, taking care of them, helping them, sweetie, you are there heart and soul, their gentle mind, you keep them calm under the most extreme pressures. You saved this family, now let this family save you."_

"_Yes momma. I love you momma. Thank you mom."_

"_Go back my son; go back to the rest of your family."_

"_Mom, can you say hi to grandpa for me?"_

"_Boy, get back to your family. I love you my boy, now go back, I don't want any grandson of mine with us for a very long time."_

"_I love you grandpa, I love you mom, goodbye."  
"Goodbye."_

John wakes up in the infirmary, he squints his eyes, having to adjust them due to the brightness of the light. John winces as the pain shoots through his body, slumping back against the pillow, "_I love you my stargazer, never forget that. Accept your brothers and father help. They love you my son. I will see you again, I promise, and you know mothers never go back on their promises. Bye my sweet angel."_

"I love you mom." With that John goes back to sleep without noticing his father and older brother in the room.

A while later, John wakes up, turning towards the window seeing that its' nighttime, looks up to the heavens and the stars, "Thank you mom for always being there."

"John." John looks over to the voice and sees his dad and brother staring at him, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to go under, once the first wave came and then the second, everything happened to fast. Please believe me that I didn't do this on purpose, I just went out there to think, I didn't mean to worry you guys."

"I know you didn't, I'm just glad you are okay. You are okay right John?"

"Yea. Why?"

"Earlier when you woke up you said 'I love you mom' and then just now you thanked her."

"Ah, um, I did."

"Yes you did."

"I'm not crazy dad."

"I know you're not. I'm not suggesting that you are. I'm just wondering why you said it."

"It's kinda hard to explain."

"That's ok, I'm here to listen son." John closes his eyes, takes a deep breath and look back at his father again, "I saw mom and grandpa. I wasn't in heaven; I think I was in the in-between. Anyway, mom shows up and encourages me to go back. I saw you guys on the beach, pleading for me to wake up. I was in the darkness most of the time, I thought I was dead but mom reassured me that I was not. Grandpa was also there but at the end, I wanted mom to say hi to him but I guess he just came to me to say bye himself. They both encouraged me to come back. Then when I woke up earlier, I heard mom talking to me, I felt her here with me for a moment. I know it sounds crazy."

"No it doesn't son. We nearly lost you. You were in the water for so long and when Gordon and Alan finally found you, you were blue and not breathing, they brought you back to the shore and Brains started CPR on you. They brought you back here and Brains had to put you on a respirator, we just took you of this morning. You were on it for a week."

"What? A week, but it only felt like a couple of hours."

"I don't know what to tell you son, maybe the time is different where you were, I really don't know, I've never experienced it. But I can tell you this, we have a couple of angels looking out for us and I'm glad they brought you back to us because we need you John. You are the heart and soul of this family, you kept this family together for so long, kept this family sane through everything that has happened. You are so selfless that you tend to forget that you are also human, and that you need someone to be there for you. Now, you have your brothers, Brains, Fermat, Onaha, Kyrano, Tintin and myself for you to turn to. You don't have to hide within yourself anymore. It might be hard for you at first, but know this; this family is here for you whenever you need it to be."

"Thanks dad. I love you. I'm kinda tire, is it ok to go back to sleep."

"That would be the best thing you can do, natural sleep is better than being in a coma. Besides, I take it that you haven't been sleeping well."

"Thanks dad and can you tell the rest that I'm sorry that I scared them, but don't tell Allie, I need to tell him myself and explain myself."

"What do you mean?"

"Come on dad, I built our wrist communicators, I know when someone tampered with them or hack into them, I know someone was listening to me, I just don't know who, I'm guessing Virgil since Gordon was swimming and Scott and Alan were in the silos working. But I'm also guessing that they know what I said down on the beach. I need to explain to Alan that what he said to me yesterday, I took it to heart. I was just getting my feelings out the only way I know how, to myself or to mom. I talk to her a lot, especially at night, most of the time it helps, but as you know lately it hasn't. Anyway, you can send in Alan now or in a few hours."

"I'll send him in a few hours, of course that is if he doesn't come in before that."

"What do you mean?"

"It was Alan that found you, pulled you in most of the way until Gordon got to the two of you; he has been here pretty much every minute of every day sitting by you, praying that you would wake up. The only reason why he isn't here now is because, not only me, but Brains, Virgil and Onaha kicked him out, made him eat something and sleep for a bit, plus he reasoned that since you were off of the respirator that you would be waking up soon, I think that was the only reason why he relented so easily. Anyways I should get going so you could get some sleep. Since you are awake, Brains estimates that you could be out of here tomorrow or the day after. Although, you will mostly have to worry about Steve, he would be pestering you about your state of health. He just doesn't want this to happen again even though it was an accident. All righty then, I should get going, see you soon."

"Ok dad, now I have a bigger reason to talk to Alan. Talk to you later." With that Jeff turns around and walk out of the infirmary down to the kitchen to talk to them about John.

**One Hour Later, Infirmary **

"I know your there Allie." Alan turns around facing his older brother. "Dad told us that what happened was an accident, John I really want to believe you, but what you said when you accidently took the pills, that even though it was an accident, you still didn't want to live even though you had the chance to call for help. I really want to believe you John."

"I know, and I'm guessing what I said down at the beach didn't really help your faith in me."

"I have all the faith in you, that will never go away. What I heard you say, that scared me. I felt that I failed you, that you were really thinking about it again and I was praying that you were just letting out your frustrations about everything that happened. I knew that it would take time for you to start coming to us again, but what you were saying, I really didn't know what to do and then I saw you go under and, and, you scared the shit out of me, I didn't know what to think all I knew was that you were in danger so I just went in after you."

"Thank you." Alan looks towards Johns eyes and sees all the emotions running through them, Alan pulls John into a hug, "Never ever scare us like that or I will nail your arse down to your bed so you can't do anything like that again."

"I love you."

"I love you too Johnny." They sit there hugging for hours.

**Epilogue, Johns Birthday, Thunderbird 5**

"Hey Allie, what's up?"

"Nothing, just want to wish you a happy birthday, that's all."

"Thanks. I'm coming home tomorrow morning and then I'm heading to Wharton's tomorrow afternoon."

"Really, dad never told me."

"I asked him not to. I wanted you to give me your present to me in person. I figured you deserved that much."

"What do you mean?"

"I wouldn't be up here now if it wasn't for you, heck, you all would have been mourning me if it wasn't for you, instead we are here together, well not exactly but close to it, and it's all thanks to you." John see Alan turning to the side blushing, "listen kiddo, I know you think that you didn't do anything special, but you did. You got me on the right path again and I love you for that. So now that's out of the way, how's the semester going?"

"Great. I'm keeping my grades up, I've won a couple of meets so far, the kids love me at the Y, oh yea, my astronomy teacher wants a guest lecturer."

"Count me in kiddo. Hey don't you have a meet the day after tomorrow."

"Yea I do and its at home. It's one of those rare ones that's during the week instead of the weekend."

"Well, I can't wait to watch you win and tell your teacher that anytime in the coming week is good for me."

"Really, you're staying the whole week."

"Yea kiddo I am."

"Oh my gosh, it's gonna be so much fun. You can meet all of my friends, teammates, teachers, my coach, I can show you around the school, show you some of my hidey holes that I told you about. Wow, it's gonna be so much fun. Oh, I need to tell Fermat."

"Whoa slow down kiddo, Fermat already knows, and I think he is planning something, that something I do not know but hey its Fermat. And I would love to do all of those things with you."

"Can we stargaze too; show me the constellations and stuff."

"Definitely, I can tell you stories that mom use to tell me whenever she took me stargazing, and I could also show you moms' star, the one that I discovered and named in honor of our mom."

"Really. I love you Johnny."

"I love you too Allie." With that the two brothers sign of, one brother looks out of the window, out into the vast beauty of the forest, the other brother looking out his window at the vast openness of space, he smiles, thinking, knowing that all is right in his life again.


End file.
